Loneliness. Not necessarily the no friends, cut off from the world, no notifications kind of lonely, but the lonely that doesn’t always have (or need) a reason to exist. The lonely that enters your home, lays awake with you until stupid o’clock and follows you out the door the next morning. The kind that accompanies you on a café date with a friend, cosies up next to them and glares back at you from across the table. Personally, I’ve always thrived being in my own company. As an introvert, I imagine the desire to be alone comes naturally to me. For one, I articulate my thoughts and feelings best when unaccompanied, just as I’m doing in this very moment. Allow me to set the scene.

Monday, February 20th. I wake up alone in my one-person apartment. I’m on day four of what feels like my never-ending six-day vacation from work. It’s quite hilarious just how much I crave the routine and (alleged) productivity that a working week offers me, only once I’ve managed to escape it. I practically count down the seconds until the clock strikes 4:20pm on a usual workday so that I can retreat to my safe haven of a one-room, though as I write this, I sit anticipating Wednesday and the normality it will restore back into my life. The friendly “안녕하세요!”s (hellos) that will meet me at the 교무실 (teacher’s office), or my 엄마 같은 친구 (mother-like friend) quizzing me before I’ve even taken a seat at my desk: “아침 먹었어요? 빵 빨리 드세요!” (Did you eat breakfast? Quickly eat this bread!) Perhaps I’m a fan of life’s more predictable moments, and there’s nothing quite more predictable than a day of ‘deskwarming’ (a term widely used to describe the idle downtime of foreign English teachers in the absence of their students) during my school’s Spring vacation. I digress.

Nothing quite gets my brain going like a hot morning shower. I mean, showering must be the one part of the day where you have little choice but to stand drowning in your thoughts alone. For me, this can take up anywhere between 30-40 minutes of my day (don’t come for me)! As amusing and borderline strange as it sounds, I conjure up some of my best ideas during this time I spend with myself. It’s become something of the norm for me to frantically rush out of the shower to jot these ideas down into my Notes app, later developing two or three words into full-blown lesson plans for my students, or even this piece you’re currently reading. You’d be lying if you said you hadn’t done something of a similar nature! Come to think of it, the Notes app (particularly mine) needs every sort of security measure to shield it from the wrong set of eyes immediately. Face, finger, toe, sign me up.

I’ve just settled down at my second and final café of the day. How do the hours pass by so quickly? The first café held my hand up until 300 words as I sat sipping on one lavender milk tea after another. In the hours I’ve spent at each café one thing stands out above all else – not one person has entered alone. Cafes are often hotspots for couples and anybody living in South Korea can tell you that couple culture is not something to be taken lightly. One question I’m frequently asked by my Korean peers and students alike is whether I have a partner. It’s one of the first questions asked when getting to know somebody, as if you’re incomplete without that special someone in your life. It’s pitied upon to be single, so much so that conventionally religious festivities such as Christmas are rather seen as couple holidays in Korea. Single during Christmas? You’re officially aboard the 솔크 train (a solo Christmas). Ironically enough, the Korean pronunciation quite literally sounds like the English word ‘sulk’. If you’re not sulking your way through 솔크 you’re simply not doing it right! I’d be lying if I said the over saturation of couples in Korea hadn’t ignited something in me to go out there and find one of my own (to no avail, obviously). Contrary to popular belief, Daiso doesn’t quite offer everything your heart may desire.

Nonetheless, learning first-hand from my Korean friends about dating culture over here has taught me that loneliness can and often does occur even in said relationships, no matter how perfect things may appear from an outsider’s perspective. I’m sucking on the ice cubes that no more than 20 minutes ago sat drowning beneath my matcha latte. A couple sits quietly to my left and I’m sat alone, chuckling to myself at the ridiculous notes I’ve subconsciously written to myself over the past 3 years. November 2022 Azzan is trying to piece together a game for his hard-to-please third graders. August 2022 Azzan is trying to properly articulate himself in Korean – turns out he can read someone’s disinterest just as well as English-speaking Azzan can. February 2022 Azzan is preparing himself for his completely brand-new life in South Korea (a pork-lover’s heaven, might I add). November 2021 Azzan is noting down song lyrics to caption his Instagram posts with. I’m cringing so hard. July 2020 Azzan is jotting down YouTube video ideas (absolutely CRYING at ‘you’re not ugly, your angles are’). July 2020 Azzan is giving university-student-renting-privately trauma realness. All in all, at this moment in time I’m meeting with at least five different versions of myself. I’m anything but alone.

I had to take my first ever solo trip to the hospital last week after falling victim to the worst flu I’ve experienced in years. In all honesty I was too sick to even mentally register that I was doing this alone, plus my colleagues reassured me that they were only a phone call away should I need their assistance. My mum was offering to send me medication all the way from the UK (it’s the thought that counts I guess?) and my dad was fussing over me like I was still his 3-year-old baby. I have such a strong support system, though my mind continues its search for care and compassion in places where it simply doesn’t exist. For me, there’s no lonelier feeling than being reminded of just how alone you are. I agree, I should take care of myself especially when living alone in another country, but there must be a better way of wording that (without even extending out your hand from a few miles down the road), right? Then again, I am a terrible over-thinker and nobody owes me or you anything in this world. I think what I’m trying to articulate here is the importance of reciprocal relationships. I tend to give so much of myself and settle with receiving little to nothing in return. The help and support I’m in search of is at a walking distance from home yet I’m tirelessly circling a roundabout with my eyes shut and foot firmly pressed on the pedal. I can’t drive, btw.

A majority (if not all) of my creative ventures come into fruition when I’m left alone. A failed talking-stage paired with an imminent identity crisis commenced my (albeit short-lived and shelved) journey into writing poetry back in 2019. COVID, perhaps the loneliest time in anyone’s life this past decade brought with it the time for me to dabble in digital art and relearn my passion for graphic design. As for right now? I guess a six-day vacation break has transformed me into a prospective blogger who is comfortable airing out their business to whoever will listen. For free, at that? Perhaps the point I’m trying to make here is that loneliness doesn’t have to be a negative experience, granted that it is something you are willingly welcoming into your life and using to your advantage. Saying that, loneliness can and will bring with it challenges that require the comfort, attention, and care of others. Be cautious of where you go searching for that care, because it might be closer to home than you think.

Also a quick note to my family, friends and acquaintances both near and distant. I’m always here should you ever choose to find that support in me. :]